My Choice

Another Monday. I’m having one of those periods of time where life is feeling monotonous again. Day in, day out, my days pretty much look the same and are very predictable. I can’t help but feeling that part of my anxiety about this comes from living life looking “in” rather that living in the moment and experiencing everything fully. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, I guess right now I feel like I’m an observer rather than a participant in my life. As depressing as all of this sounds, I’m generally happy right now. I’m just struggling to figure out where I want things to fall into place and who I truly, truly am at this point.

I realized over the weekend that I depend on others to make decisions for me. And it seems to primarily be over the little things, like going out or picking a place to meet. It’s funny, I don’t want to make decisions, but I also hate getting into situations and feeling out of control. That is an anomaly. Do I want to be in control and make all of the decisions, or do I just want to go along for the ride?

Control is not real. I can’t actually be 100% in control. I can steer my life and my day to day to the best of my ability, and the rest is up to the universe. But, the only thing I do have control over is my decisions and my choices. I can decide what to do each day and I can choose to be happy and content in that decision. I guess I’m still struggling with trusting myself.

Maybe that’s why I leave decisions up to someone else. Decision-making still makes me uncomfortable and fearful. I’d rather blame someone else for things not going well than hate myself for making the wrong call. And, that is the honest truth about it. Even though there’s no such thing as perfect or “right”. Every situation can be labeled. That’s another choice I have. I can call it whatever I like. But deciding to shed positive light on the situations in my life is a heck of a lot more productive and healthy than shedding negative light on everything and feeling regret and anxiety.

I want to live my life. I want to be an active participant. I want to love everyday and know that I lived it to the fullest. That’s life. This is life. Right now. There’s nothing better around the corner, and tomorrow is not promised.

Get on it, Monday.


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